Unfurl from the chaos that has left you lost, bewildered and alone.

Stop living lost, and find a way to live found.

 

Imagine what it might feel like to know who you are. I mean, your real identity, which is way deeper than your belief system, your role as a person, your job or education. My clients come to me saying things like, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” “I feel numb.” “Nothing makes sense and I am completely confused.” Somewhere along their way, they have lost themselves to the drudgery of the journey and the cost of people-pleasing. They’ve also dealt with trauma and loss along the way, and can’t get their heads to stop reeling from the confusion and pain.

And, they ask questions like, “How do I fix this?” “Will I ever feel right or good again?” “Can my wife/husband change?” “Am I crazy?” “Why is he/she always so angry?” “What do I need to do to make her/him happy?” “How can I fix my relationship?” “Can I stop being pathetic?” “How can I have a happy marriage?” “Is this even about marriage?” “How do I find myself again?” And, “Can I do this alone?”

And I passionately help them find their way through the chaos to find themselves, to feel again, and to connect (or re-connect) within deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Most often when this is the presenting context, it tells me they are probably experiencing an environment of ambient abuse. Things are chaotic, interactions are disordered, and connection is elusive. Even if they are trying to navigate life without a “significant other,” the deepest wounds of their heart are coming from the context of the relational environment. They’ve become awakened to the world of narcissism, narcissistic traits, and narcissistic harm… and are suddenly connecting the dots between what their experience has been and a new reality of what that might mean for them. Healing work does not mean the environment has to be controlled or the relationship has to be fixed. It does mean nurturing your own soul so you can wisely navigate the world around you without losing yourself.

One thing this reality starts to make clear is that you’re not crazy! There is not something wrong with you. You are not too sensitive, too emotional, too demanding, or too compliant. You are not weak, passive-aggressive, or abusive either. You are, instead, interacting with people who are not offering you room to connect, to be authentic, to be friends.

 

Maybe you didn’t find my site because of a relationship or marriage, but simply because you feel like a hot mess in whole. But, it is within the context of relationships that we are awakened to who we are. The relationships -whether we’re talking about your spouse, your family, or friends or the random cashier – might recover, but only if BOTH people participating in the relationship are truly… participating.

It’s not a connection if only one person is doing all the work.

The flip side of that coin, though, is that each person CAN absolutely recover and thrive regardless of the cooperation or participation or approval of the other. We are not the relationship. We are individuals in a relationship. And our healing does not depend upon the other person’s stamp of approval. (This doesn’t mean the relationship will heal. Again, that’s a whole, separate issue.)

Are you wondering how to heal or to feel normal again? Can you heal if you are still in a destructive or narcissistic relationship? Can you heal if there is ongoing harm and your spouse or friend won’t stop or change? I would say yes, but it will require a lot of grief and good boundaries, evaluating what you’re dealing with, motivated by, reaching for, and using as your guideposts to direct your path. Healing starts with you guarding your own soul, because that is the wellspring of your life. And, it culminates in being able to wisely, deftly connect with the people around you without letting their brokenness define you.

There are very few absolutes in life, and yet we operate from a set of “rules” we’ve never bothered to evaluate, treating them as an absolute “should” or “must.” Most of what we bring into relationships and drive our life by tends to be disordered and dysfunctional. We’ve learned to comply with The Collective, to borrow a Star Trek term. But, God created us with free will and unique personalities! There is a vast amount of room to build what that will look like in any particular relationship. We have to be willing to come out of hiding, be authentic, and collaborate with the people we want to walk through life with.

Marriage issues aren’t the real issue. They reflect the issues of the people who make up that marriage. And any amount of destructiveness brings… well, destruction. If you want to build something steadfast, beautiful, and cohesive, you’ve got to bring those elements to the table to begin with. And, again, that starts with you knowing who you are and what you are bringing to the world.